Coffee
by homesweethomicide13
Summary: The old Chief, Ashton, had a good reason for banning Barda from coffee. It's just bad luck for everyone else that he never wrote that reason down.


**Title:** Coffee  
**Author:** homesweethomicide13  
**Rating:** T  
**Pairing:** None specified.  
**Warning:** OOC Barda.  
**Disclaimer:** I own Ashton and Johan. The rest… well, if I did I wouldn't be writing fanfiction about them now, would I?  
**Summary:** The old Chief Ashton had a good reason for banning Barda from coffee. It's just bad luck for everyone else that he never wrote that reason down.

**Coffee**

Early morning in the palace was normally a peaceful time. There were no duties to be carried out, no problems to solve. The cooks were taking a break after preparing breakfast, and the day guards were preparing to take over where the night guards left off. Children were still in their homes, instead of running loose in the palace. The day's workers had not started yet. A quiet calm descended upon the palace at this time.

Sharn, Lief, Jasmine and Doom were seated in the kitchen, relaxing before the day's duties were due to kick in. The door opened and Barda walked through the door, barely picking his feet up from the floor. It was clear from his dishevelled hair and tired eyes that he had been up for the majority of the night.

"Oh Barda, you look awful!" Sharn cried, getting up. She helped him to the table and he sat down, slumping instantly over the table. "What happened to you?" She suddenly took on a stern tone, the tone a mother would use to scold a disobedient child. "Were you working through the night again, mister?" Barda merely made a small, non-committal noise in response. Talking obviously required too much effort.

"You've got to stop doing that, Barda. It's not healthy for you." Jasmine added, concerned.

"If you like, I could give you some time off." Lief suggested. "Johan could fill in your position during that time." Barda instantly looked up.

"I sincerely hope that was a joke, Lief." He drawled. "The Chief cannot just take time off, unless it is for a legitimate reason. And besides, Johan is too young to take on the duties of the Chief." Doom raised his eyebrows.

"Yet, not so young that he can take on the duties of the Deputy?" Barda's dark eyes focused on the scarred man.

"I have not yet made it official that he is my deputy. He is merely an apprentice." Barda's head returned to its position on the table. Doom smirked and made hand gestures to say that Johan _was_ Barda's deputy, but he just wasn't admitting it. Lief and Jasmine laughed quietly. Sharn rolled her eyes and walked over to the pot of coffee that had been brewed that morning.

"Well, Barda, since I know you all too well, you will refuse any suggestions of going back to bed, and you will insist on working the day through." She poured some coffee into a mug and put it in front of him. "Drink something that will at least keep you awake and alert." Barda looked up and stared at the mug, confused.

"Is that… coffee?" He looked up at Sharn. "You're giving me coffee?" She smiled.

"I don't see why not. Lief drinks it every morning so he's fully awake to do his duties." Barda picked up the mug and stared into it, almost as though he were amazed.

"Barda? Is something wrong?" Jasmine questioned, watching him. "It's as though you've never had coffee before." He looked up at her.

"I was never allowed to drink coffee." He explained.

"Did your mother ban you from it? I know she was quite strict on those things." Doom asked, smiling in remembrance. Barda shook his head.

"No, my old Chief… Chief Ashton, he said I wasn't allowed to have coffee." Lief frowned.

"Well coffee can have side-effects; maybe he just didn't want your work to be affected." He suggested. Barda shrugged.

"Maybe." He glanced at the coffee. "Oh well. I guess I need it." And he lifted the mug to his lips.

Somewhere on the west coast, Toran fortune-tellers cast their stones and read that the world was coming to an end.

* * *

Sometime later that morning, Lief was studying the Deltora Annals in the library when the door opened forcefully. He looked up to see Johan, Barda's young 'apprentice' standing in the doorway, out of breath and looking rather flustered. 

"Johan? Is something wrong?" The boy – no more than nineteen – caught his breath before trying to speak.

"It is the Chief, your highness." He gasped out. Lief stood up quickly.

"Barda? What is wrong with him?" Johan shook his head.

"We don't know. He's in his office." Lief followed Johan down to Barda's office and found that Doom was already there. On first appearance, there seemed to be nothing wrong with Barda, who was sat behind his desk attempting to work. However on a closer inspection Lief saw that he was shaking.

"Apparently he's been like this for a while." Doom murmured to him. Lief raised his eyebrows.

"Barda? Are you okay?" Barda looked up, apparently having not realized Lief was there.

"I guess. No. Wait, yes… I don't know." He was talking quickly, and Lief wondered if he had a fever or something. "I'm just… jittery. I'm so jittery." Doom rolled his eyes.

"Maybe it's the coffee you drank." He sighed. Barda looked at him.

"What?" It seemed Barda's attention span had shortened, too.

"Coffee." Doom repeated. Barda grinned.

"Yes, I'd love some." Doom turned and implanted his face into the wall. Lief chuckled. So, there wasn't anything seriously wrong with Barda. It was just the caffeine in his coffee.

"It should settle down soon, Barda. I get that in the first few hours." He explained. "Come on Doom. Hey, doesn't that hurt?" He asked, raising an eyebrow at the scarred man who still had his face buried in the wall.

"Exceedingly." Doom muttered. "But it's less painful than getting a headache from his drastically tiny attention span." He pointed in Barda's direction. He walked away from the wall and left the room with Lief.

"Johan, keep an eye on him." Lief said, laughing. Johan saluted him and closed the door behind them. He turned to look back at his Chief and sighed. This was going to be a long day.

"Sir? Is there anything I can do?" He asked cautiously. Barda didn't look up from the work he was doing, but casually threw his empty mug at Johan, who struggled to catch it before it hit the floor.

"Get me some more coffee." He ordered. Johan hesitated. Barda looked up, frowning dangerously and in an exceedingly scary manner. "Now."

"Yessir!" Johan spluttered, almost running from the room. Barda grinned and returned to his work.

* * *

Doom decided to check in on the twitching wreck now known as Barda after lunch, since he hadn't turned up at the kitchen for a meal. Sharn had given Doom something to take to him, knowing that Barda would most likely work all day without eating, given the chance. He opened the door to his office and sighed when he saw Barda drinking more coffee. 

"I don't think you should be drinking that, Barda." Doom muttered. Barda jolted upright, a grin plastered to his face. Doom took a step back, slightly scared.

"Of course I should! I need to get through this work and I can't do that if I'm sleeping." He rambled, gesturing extravagantly several times at the stack of papers he was apparently going through. Doom sighed and brought over the food Sharn had sent to him.

"Sharn told me to give this to you, since you missed lunch." He said as he walked over. "I guess since you're working so hard you must have forgotten." He reached the desk and set the plate down in a clear spot. As he did so, however, he caught a glance of Barda's current paper that he was working on.

And he nearly implanted his face into the wall for a second time.

"That's not WORK!" He hissed, pointing at the various doodles Barda had drawn on a blank piece of paper. Every available white space had been covered with something. Barda merely grinned up at him.

"I got bored." For lack of a better phrase, Doom did the infamous facepalm. _(For those who have never heard such a phrase, it is merely smacking yourself in the face.)_

"That's it, I'm taking away the coffee." He reached for the half-empty mug at Barda's elbow. "You can't work under these conditions, Barda." Just moments before his fingers closed around the handle, a hand clasped around his wrist, and the grip was like iron.

"Touch my coffee, feel my pen." Barda held up the unnaturally sharp ink pen and Doom's eyes widened.

"Barda, if you drink anymore you'll go crazy… er." Doom reasoned, but Barda's grip did not slacken.

"You will not touch the coffee. The coffee will remain where it is, on my desk. The coffee shall not be removed from the mug unless it is via my hand, to my mouth. If any movement is made to remove the coffee in any other manner, this pen will find its way to somewhere uncomfortable, and will not be removed until the coffee is safely back where it belongs." Doom gulped. "Is this understood?"

"Yes, yes! Clearly." Doom said quickly. He did not relish the thought of where that pen would end up. Barda loosened his grip, but still kept his eyes on Doom, and the pen was poised, ready for attack. The moment he could retract his arm, Doom did. Quickly. "Listen, I'm… going to head out now…" He backed away from the desk, not taking his eyes off Barda. However, the Chief's expression changed and he grinned, waving with the same hand that had once threatened him with a pen.

"Okay! Bye-bye!" Doom, frightened by the sudden mood change, fumbled for the doorknob and almost jumped through the door the moment he got it open. He ran back to the kitchen, much to the amusement of everyone around him. Once he was safely behind the closed door, he turned to the three amused occupants.

"That. Man. Is. INSANE." He yelled, causing Sharn, Lief and Jasmine to burst out laughing. "It's not funny! He's gone crazy! He threatened me with a pen because I went near his coffee!" Doom moved away from the door and walked to the coffee pot. "We have to hide this, before he drinks any more and tries to kill me with a spoon." No sooner had he said it than Johan came through the door, holding an empty mug.

"The beast needs taming." He murmured. Doom held up his hands and guarded the coffee pot.

"Oh no, he's not having any more!" He picked up the pot and hugged it to him.

"Johan! Where's my coffee?" Johan cringed. He looked at Doom with pleading eyes.

"Please, Doom?" He pleaded. Doom shook his head furiously.

"Nuh-uh. If he has any more, the world will end." Barda walked through the door and prodded Johan sharply.

"Where's my coffee, boy?" He demanded, though since he was grinning it didn't have the same effect. Before Johan could respond, Barda spotted the coffee pot in Doom's hands. "Hey! Coffee!"

"Oh no…" Doom tried to run away, but Barda took up chase.

"Resistance is futile, Doom!" He laughed, chasing him around the kitchen. Finally, Lief and Jasmine stepped between Barda and Doom and paused the chase.

"Barda? Did Chief Ashton tell anyone the reason he wouldn't let you drink coffee?" Jasmine asked him. Barda paused in thought and looked up at the ceiling as though it would give him some reminder. After a long moment, he grinned.

"Hey, look. A bug." He pointed up at the ceiling, where there was indeed some sort of bug crawling around. Jasmine sighed impatiently.

"Barda." She said firmly. Barda's head snapped back down and he grinned.

"What?" Jasmine was tempted to light the oven and stick her head in it.

"Would anyone else know why Ashton banned you from coffee?" Lief repeated slowly, as if talking to a slow child. Barda shook his head.

"Nope! He just said I couldn't have it. Ever. He told everyone not to give me any. Ever." Barda grinned.

"Yes, we get the point." Doom sighed. "But I don't think we need someone to tell us why Ashton banned him from coffee. I'd say it was rather obvious."

"Coffee?" Barda whirled around to face Doom. "I like coffee! I want some coffee." Before Doom knew what was happening, Barda had swiped the coffee pot and was _skipping_ out of the kitchen.

"How do you cancel out the effects of caffeine?" Johan asked quietly once Barda had gone. Lief sighed.

"You don't. You have to wait for it to wear off." Doom made fast friends with the wall again.

"This is going to be a long day."

* * *

When the sun finally sank below the water and the evening swooped down on the palace, a calm quiet settled down, as though it were back in the early morning. However, one sound disturbed the calm quiet as a man made his way to the kitchen for the evening meal. 

"I'm off the see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of –," He opened the kitchen door with a flourish, startling all those inside even though they'd heard him approach. "HI!"

"Hello Barda." They all replied in a low murmur. They'd had to suffer through his hyperactivity all day, and they were exhausted. During the evening meal, Barda couldn't sit still and would forget what he was doing several times and wander off into his own little world until someone reminded him that his food would go cold if he didn't eat it soon.

Once the meal was finished and everyone stood up to leave, Barda jumped up and bolted for the door, still grinning.

"It has been fun, dear friends, but I must leave you!" He announced. "After much deliberation and clever things inside my head, I have come up with a cunning plan! I just don't know what this plan is right now!" They gaped at him, confused, as he skipped away, singing. "Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange, come with us and you will see, this our town of Halloween…"

"I've never wanted to throw myself off a cliff more than I have today." Doom muttered. "In fact, I've never wanted to throw _him_ off a cliff more than I have today."

"Well it's almost night. We won't have to put up with it for much longer." Lief laughed. Oh how wrong he was…

It turned out that Chief Ashton had banned Barda from ever drinking coffee because the moment that caffeine entered Barda's system, he would be wide awake and hyperactive for the next twenty-four hours. It was Doom who had to suffer through the night, since his room was next door to Barda's. And when he went to tell Barda to shut up, the hyperactive man dragged him inside – despite Doom being in his night clothes – and made him stay up all night with him. This of course sent Doom into a murderous rage the next day because he'd had no sleep.

As from that day, King Lief banned all citizens of Del from giving Barda coffee.

* * *

_Author's Note: I don't care if Deltora doesn't have coffee, they do now. Wouldn't it make life more interesting? And yes, I know Barda is incredibly OOC, and some other characters are a little (like Doom), but that's the POINT. If they weren't, it wouldn't make for a good story!_

_There might also be some lines in here you recognize (For instance, "Touch my coffee, feel my pen" was taken from that quorn advert on TV), and no, I do not own those. I do own the alterations, however, heh. I also do not own the random songs Barda sings. Obviously, the first one is from the Wizard of Oz. The second, The Nightmare Before Christmas. These have absolutely no relevance to the storyline and Deltora wouldn't even have heard of them, but I threw it in for entertainment._

_Hope you liked it!_


End file.
